Always . . . . .I Love You Mom

Always on my Mind

Dear Mom,

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and miss you so much I feel like my heart will break. . . . . still, even after 3+ years.  During the month of October I always go back to your blog to see what was happening on those first days at MDA.  Well, October 4th was the day that you were admitted to prepare for the transplant.  If only we had known then what we know now maybe you would still be here and we not all still be heart broken.  We all miss you and wish that you were here so you could see all the things that are going on in our lives. 

I love you.

Hi

Hi Mom.  Miss you tons.  Need your hugs and words of encouragement.  Love you.

Sometimes Life is Just Full of Randoms

I am still not sure what to do with this blog.  It still hurts so much to think about life before this blog began.  It is hard to believe that we are quickly approaching year four of life before leukemia.  There are days during Mom's illness that I can still see with such clarity and then other things that I have a hard time remembering.  One example is that I can remember one of the days Rebecca and I happened to be with Mom at MD Anderson for one of her appointments and Mom got sick so B had to go buy her a tshirt so we could get her cleaned up.  I see that so clearly but then I can hardly remember her funeral service.  I just think it is strange the things the mind remembers so clearly.
Our family is trucking on.  Dad still misses Mom so very much.  He is still scattered for lack of a better word.  Maybe a better word would be unsettled.  I hope to help him get finished going to stuff that Mom had packed for their foundation repair and get the house completely back to "normal".  I still need quilts for two of the beds!
The kids are growing like crazy.  Getting ready to finish up their freshman year and their  6th grade year.  T made the summer baseball team (he and Memom used to play baseball all the time!) and M just finished up or will be finishing up another season of softball and will be starting all stars.
Well, it has been a couple of weeks since I started this and I really don't know where I was headed with this.  So. . . . . .there ya go.

Life Goes On

Three years ago today I got the phone call from Dad that we had been waiting for.  You were coming home to a long term care facility.  We were so happy that you were going to be closer to us and that we could see you all the time.  When Dad, B and I finally left you that night, you said that you couldn't believe that you were finally back in BCS. 
So much has happened since that day
Dad is retired
RAW is looking for a job in DFW
Bec is working as a teachers aide
I am still looking for a job
T is almost 15 and M is almost 12
Grandmom is 88 years old
Aunt Diane is retired
The church is nearly finished
Your flowerbeds don't look the same
Your house doesn't smell the same
Our smiles are a little dimmer
 but one thing that hasn't is the sadness we feel not having you with us.

Things are definitely not the same.  We love and miss you.

Today

Cancer sucks.
Not having my mom around sucks.
Missing my mom every.single.day sucks.

(and no, my dad will not be happy with my choice of words but that is how I feel right this very moment. . . . . .sorry dad.)

I love you Mom .


Here is what was going on in our lives in 2010.  We were getting really close to the day that we should have been able to leave the hospital and begin our stay in the apartment before heading home.  Not how it turned out.

Beauty

There is a blog that I recently began reading a couple of times a week, written by a woman fighting ovarian cancer.  Her post the other day was titled "Security Blanket" and it reminded me of something I began noticing while at MD Anderson.  This lady had gone to a function without her hat to cover her bald head.  She posted a picture of herself and she was absolutely beautiful without her hair.  I thought that my Mom was gorgeous without her hair because it made her blue eyes even more intense looking.  I wish that the ladies who lose their hair due to cancer would realize how beautiful they are without their hair and not worry about what others think.  They are beautiful and strong and courageous and I hope that the next time I see a lady fighting for her life without worrying about her hair, I will take the time to stop and tell her how beautiful she is.

I am really missing my Mom as we approach Christmas.  She loved decorating for the holidays and having all her family together.  It just isn't the same without her.  Love you Mom and miss you so very much.

The other day my Dad made the comment that I hadn't posted anything here lately and I know I haven't. . . . . .sometimes I just don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said.  I decided that since I dreamed about Mom all night last night and then today while getting ready to go to town I thought of something and then said to myself, "I need to call Mom and tell her about that".  You know what. . . . .even 2 years and 7 months later it still hurts.  I miss my Mom. . . . .ALOT. . . .I am still angry that she is gone. . . .it's not fair.  I know, I know that life isn't fair but I still want to know why.  Why someone who had such a zest for life, had so much to share and do, she was supposed to be here to see her grandkids grow up and hopefully spend time with new grandkids, see my little sister get married, be here for my Dad to enjoy his retirement, to just be here for us all because we need her so badly.  She was the person that I talked to about everything. . . .I don't have anyone to do that with anymore.  I just miss her. . . .a lot.

I Miss Her

Life has been so discouraging lately and I have really needed my Mom's sound advice and hugs.  I still miss her so much.  I think about her everyday and always have things I would love to talk to her about.  I also wonder every day. . . .does it ever get any easier?  Can't I just be happy knowing that she isn't in pain anymore?  I miss her laugh, I can't remember what it sounded like, I miss her smile, the smell of the only perfume she could wear, the meals she used to cook for special occasions, talking to her on the phone, seeing my Dad truly happy and seeing the grandkids loving on their Memom.  Aaahhh. . . .it still makes me so angry and teary eyed.

I love you Mom and miss you so very much. 

Time Doesn't Always Change Things

It has been a year and a half since we saw your beautiful face.  We miss you just as much today as the first day you left us.  I have missed you even more this week and I have needed to talk to you and get your advice so many times.  I wish you were here.  I love you.

On This Day

On this day, two years ago we got the news that sent us into a tailspin.  We got the news that Mom had leukemia.  And our second less fun and less beautiful but very heartbreaking Phantom Canyon journey began.

Catching Up

Well, it has been over a month since I have come over here.  I don't really have much to say over here anymore.  Mom is gone, our hearts are still broken and nothing will ever change that.  I still have days when I just can't believe that I won't see her or talk to her.  Then there are the days when a lady at church asks me "How is your Mom doing?"  what she really means is "How is your Grandmother doing?" but she always always says my Mom.  Man that is like getting something stabbed into your heart every time she does it.  It has made me try to avoid her these days.  I know that isn't the right thing to do but, oh well, that is life and that is how I am handling it.
I guess the only thing that has changed recently is that Dad is now retired.  It was time and he was ready.  He has gotten his classroom cleaned out and that was kinda hard. . .for me at least.  Mom's touch was there as it is in all of our houses and such so it is just one more thing that isn't anymore.  I hope that Dad enjoys his retirement and that he can find enough to keep himself busy! 
Since I don't blog over here very often, if you are wondering what we are up to you can always go here and check out my blog.
Happy summer friends.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday Mom!  We love you and miss you so much.

Flowers for Mom

I miss you so much.

Spring

This was Mom's time of the year.  She would make her yard look beautiful and then she would work on G-mom's and do the same thing.  I miss flower shopping, mulch buying, and just talking about the different flowers.  I really miss my Mom.  I miss everything about her. . . .and so does Dad.  And everyone else.

One Year

One year ago today, I got a phone call from my sister RAW asking if I had talked to my Dad that morning. She had been trying to get a hold of him and couldn’t. I told her that I would put some clothes on and run up to the hospital to check on him. I got to the hospital and he was there, Mom had continued to stay agitated during the night and he hadn’t turned his phone back on. Although I had not come to the hospital planning to stay all day (I had planned to go back home and get cleaned up . . .I didn’t even have on any socks with my tennis shoes) but I ended up not leaving. That morning the doctor told my Dad that if there was not significant improvement in Mom’s health, we had probably a week left with her. My sister from out of town came with her family and my other sister came from work (one of her students called his parents from her classroom and they rushed to be with us). Family and friends surrounded us with prayers and much love. We all gathered around Mom’s bed and told her that we were ready to let her go if that was God’s plan. She quietly slipped away as we told her how much we loved her.


Since that day many tears have been shed, many milestones crossed, many memories replayed and many hugs given. For those of you who didn’t know my Mom, you missed getting to know a very Godly, loving, caring, wonderful woman. For those of you did, you understand the loss of a woman who caused the sun to shine just a little brighter.

I take comfort in knowing that she is in heaven and is holding my babies but that doesn’t make the ache in my heart any less. I miss the time we used to spend together, the fun we had as a family, and the projects she was never afraid to take on. I miss knowing that she was just a phone call away when I needed her for anything.

Today we wear orange in your memory Mom. We love you and miss you. I still can’t believe it has been a year.

PS: We are taking care of Dad. He misses you so much.

To Remember

Tomorrow in honor of my Mom I will be wearing orange. I would love it if you would too and post a picture of yourself wearing your orange (and email it to me). It can be a ribbon, flower, ring, necklace, shirt, socks, whatever (be creative). I just want everyone to remember my Mom and what a wonderful person she was. I also want to remember those who have fought Leukemia/Lymphoma and won and to remember those like my beautiful Mom who fought a couragous battle against the disease and won but left us because her body had fought so hard.







My email address is tls_giggles at yahoo dot com.

Big Hopes and Dreams

One year ago today I got a phone call from my Dad letting me know that we were heading to Houston and that Mom was coming HOME! We were so very hopeful that we were on the home stretch and that our Mom was going to be ok We were ALL going to be ok. We had such big hopes and dreams and they would soon come crashing down around us and crushing us. . . .breaking our hearts.

Little Reminders and Big Memories

I just looked at Dad's roll sheet and saw his Countdown to Retirement count and it is at 60. Wow! Today I am subbing for my Dad and his kids are doing independent work (thank goodness because I know nothing about drafting!) so I have been deleting email from my account. I had over 900 and have gotten it down to the 500 range. While going through them I have been reminded of the kinds words spoken by our friends during Mom's fight and since. You will never now how much your friendship, phone calls, cards, e-mails, facebook comments and prayers have meant to my family over the past 19 months. Nineteen months that were not what we expected. How much your love and care and hugs have meant. Somedays it is what gets us through the day. Thank you. We will never be able to thank you enough. You all are wonderful people.



Today at lunch I had an ice cream sandwich. For most people that isn't anything life shattering or anything but for me it brought back memories of my Mom. You see for one week while I was staying with her, that was about all I could get her to eat. I would go down to the cafeteria in the afternoon and would get either a regular ice cream sandwich or the cookies and cream kind and we would share it. Which meant that she would take a bite or two or three if I was lucky and then I would have the rest of it. It really made me miss my Mom (as if I needed anything else to help with that) and wish that I could get a hug from her. I need a hug and to hear her encouraging words. She could always make you believe that you could do no matter what it was that you set your mind to. She was just wonderful like that, don't you think?

Happy Valentine's Day

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
We love you a lot
and we're missing you too.

I remember last years Valentine's day because I got to spend it with you.  I really wish I was spending this one with you too.  We spent time with Dad, Rae, Lou Ellen and GMom tonight but we were missing you so much.  Love you Mom.