Today

Cancer sucks.
Not having my mom around sucks.
Missing my mom every.single.day sucks.

(and no, my dad will not be happy with my choice of words but that is how I feel right this very moment. . . . . .sorry dad.)

I love you Mom .


Here is what was going on in our lives in 2010.  We were getting really close to the day that we should have been able to leave the hospital and begin our stay in the apartment before heading home.  Not how it turned out.

Beauty

There is a blog that I recently began reading a couple of times a week, written by a woman fighting ovarian cancer.  Her post the other day was titled "Security Blanket" and it reminded me of something I began noticing while at MD Anderson.  This lady had gone to a function without her hat to cover her bald head.  She posted a picture of herself and she was absolutely beautiful without her hair.  I thought that my Mom was gorgeous without her hair because it made her blue eyes even more intense looking.  I wish that the ladies who lose their hair due to cancer would realize how beautiful they are without their hair and not worry about what others think.  They are beautiful and strong and courageous and I hope that the next time I see a lady fighting for her life without worrying about her hair, I will take the time to stop and tell her how beautiful she is.

I am really missing my Mom as we approach Christmas.  She loved decorating for the holidays and having all her family together.  It just isn't the same without her.  Love you Mom and miss you so very much.

The other day my Dad made the comment that I hadn't posted anything here lately and I know I haven't. . . . . .sometimes I just don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said.  I decided that since I dreamed about Mom all night last night and then today while getting ready to go to town I thought of something and then said to myself, "I need to call Mom and tell her about that".  You know what. . . . .even 2 years and 7 months later it still hurts.  I miss my Mom. . . . .ALOT. . . .I am still angry that she is gone. . . .it's not fair.  I know, I know that life isn't fair but I still want to know why.  Why someone who had such a zest for life, had so much to share and do, she was supposed to be here to see her grandkids grow up and hopefully spend time with new grandkids, see my little sister get married, be here for my Dad to enjoy his retirement, to just be here for us all because we need her so badly.  She was the person that I talked to about everything. . . .I don't have anyone to do that with anymore.  I just miss her. . . .a lot.

I Miss Her

Life has been so discouraging lately and I have really needed my Mom's sound advice and hugs.  I still miss her so much.  I think about her everyday and always have things I would love to talk to her about.  I also wonder every day. . . .does it ever get any easier?  Can't I just be happy knowing that she isn't in pain anymore?  I miss her laugh, I can't remember what it sounded like, I miss her smile, the smell of the only perfume she could wear, the meals she used to cook for special occasions, talking to her on the phone, seeing my Dad truly happy and seeing the grandkids loving on their Memom.  Aaahhh. . . .it still makes me so angry and teary eyed.

I love you Mom and miss you so very much. 

Time Doesn't Always Change Things

It has been a year and a half since we saw your beautiful face.  We miss you just as much today as the first day you left us.  I have missed you even more this week and I have needed to talk to you and get your advice so many times.  I wish you were here.  I love you.

On This Day

On this day, two years ago we got the news that sent us into a tailspin.  We got the news that Mom had leukemia.  And our second less fun and less beautiful but very heartbreaking Phantom Canyon journey began.

Catching Up

Well, it has been over a month since I have come over here.  I don't really have much to say over here anymore.  Mom is gone, our hearts are still broken and nothing will ever change that.  I still have days when I just can't believe that I won't see her or talk to her.  Then there are the days when a lady at church asks me "How is your Mom doing?"  what she really means is "How is your Grandmother doing?" but she always always says my Mom.  Man that is like getting something stabbed into your heart every time she does it.  It has made me try to avoid her these days.  I know that isn't the right thing to do but, oh well, that is life and that is how I am handling it.
I guess the only thing that has changed recently is that Dad is now retired.  It was time and he was ready.  He has gotten his classroom cleaned out and that was kinda hard. . .for me at least.  Mom's touch was there as it is in all of our houses and such so it is just one more thing that isn't anymore.  I hope that Dad enjoys his retirement and that he can find enough to keep himself busy! 
Since I don't blog over here very often, if you are wondering what we are up to you can always go here and check out my blog.
Happy summer friends.