Sometimes Life is Just Full of Randoms

I am still not sure what to do with this blog.  It still hurts so much to think about life before this blog began.  It is hard to believe that we are quickly approaching year four of life before leukemia.  There are days during Mom's illness that I can still see with such clarity and then other things that I have a hard time remembering.  One example is that I can remember one of the days Rebecca and I happened to be with Mom at MD Anderson for one of her appointments and Mom got sick so B had to go buy her a tshirt so we could get her cleaned up.  I see that so clearly but then I can hardly remember her funeral service.  I just think it is strange the things the mind remembers so clearly.
Our family is trucking on.  Dad still misses Mom so very much.  He is still scattered for lack of a better word.  Maybe a better word would be unsettled.  I hope to help him get finished going to stuff that Mom had packed for their foundation repair and get the house completely back to "normal".  I still need quilts for two of the beds!
The kids are growing like crazy.  Getting ready to finish up their freshman year and their  6th grade year.  T made the summer baseball team (he and Memom used to play baseball all the time!) and M just finished up or will be finishing up another season of softball and will be starting all stars.
Well, it has been a couple of weeks since I started this and I really don't know where I was headed with this.  So. . . . . .there ya go.

Life Goes On

Three years ago today I got the phone call from Dad that we had been waiting for.  You were coming home to a long term care facility.  We were so happy that you were going to be closer to us and that we could see you all the time.  When Dad, B and I finally left you that night, you said that you couldn't believe that you were finally back in BCS. 
So much has happened since that day
Dad is retired
RAW is looking for a job in DFW
Bec is working as a teachers aide
I am still looking for a job
T is almost 15 and M is almost 12
Grandmom is 88 years old
Aunt Diane is retired
The church is nearly finished
Your flowerbeds don't look the same
Your house doesn't smell the same
Our smiles are a little dimmer
 but one thing that hasn't is the sadness we feel not having you with us.

Things are definitely not the same.  We love and miss you.

Today

Cancer sucks.
Not having my mom around sucks.
Missing my mom every.single.day sucks.

(and no, my dad will not be happy with my choice of words but that is how I feel right this very moment. . . . . .sorry dad.)

I love you Mom .


Here is what was going on in our lives in 2010.  We were getting really close to the day that we should have been able to leave the hospital and begin our stay in the apartment before heading home.  Not how it turned out.

Beauty

There is a blog that I recently began reading a couple of times a week, written by a woman fighting ovarian cancer.  Her post the other day was titled "Security Blanket" and it reminded me of something I began noticing while at MD Anderson.  This lady had gone to a function without her hat to cover her bald head.  She posted a picture of herself and she was absolutely beautiful without her hair.  I thought that my Mom was gorgeous without her hair because it made her blue eyes even more intense looking.  I wish that the ladies who lose their hair due to cancer would realize how beautiful they are without their hair and not worry about what others think.  They are beautiful and strong and courageous and I hope that the next time I see a lady fighting for her life without worrying about her hair, I will take the time to stop and tell her how beautiful she is.

I am really missing my Mom as we approach Christmas.  She loved decorating for the holidays and having all her family together.  It just isn't the same without her.  Love you Mom and miss you so very much.

The other day my Dad made the comment that I hadn't posted anything here lately and I know I haven't. . . . . .sometimes I just don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said.  I decided that since I dreamed about Mom all night last night and then today while getting ready to go to town I thought of something and then said to myself, "I need to call Mom and tell her about that".  You know what. . . . .even 2 years and 7 months later it still hurts.  I miss my Mom. . . . .ALOT. . . .I am still angry that she is gone. . . .it's not fair.  I know, I know that life isn't fair but I still want to know why.  Why someone who had such a zest for life, had so much to share and do, she was supposed to be here to see her grandkids grow up and hopefully spend time with new grandkids, see my little sister get married, be here for my Dad to enjoy his retirement, to just be here for us all because we need her so badly.  She was the person that I talked to about everything. . . .I don't have anyone to do that with anymore.  I just miss her. . . .a lot.

I Miss Her

Life has been so discouraging lately and I have really needed my Mom's sound advice and hugs.  I still miss her so much.  I think about her everyday and always have things I would love to talk to her about.  I also wonder every day. . . .does it ever get any easier?  Can't I just be happy knowing that she isn't in pain anymore?  I miss her laugh, I can't remember what it sounded like, I miss her smile, the smell of the only perfume she could wear, the meals she used to cook for special occasions, talking to her on the phone, seeing my Dad truly happy and seeing the grandkids loving on their Memom.  Aaahhh. . . .it still makes me so angry and teary eyed.

I love you Mom and miss you so very much. 

Time Doesn't Always Change Things

It has been a year and a half since we saw your beautiful face.  We miss you just as much today as the first day you left us.  I have missed you even more this week and I have needed to talk to you and get your advice so many times.  I wish you were here.  I love you.